Weight Matters

Yes, it does. Whether we like it or not, what we weigh is of importance to lots of people. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really shitty and lonely, what I weigh and what people think about that starts to matter to me. Doctors, politicians, pundits, celebrities, friends and family members all seem to have something to say about obesity. The perpetually fat-critical Gillian McKeith is currently back on our screens, doing her "thing". A "thing" which,by the way, seems solely to consist of humiliating fat people and trying to cure them by forcing them to eat bugger all and have their poo examined. Each week for a while, she will be shaming three fat women into fighting each other in the weight loss arena for the grand prize of a ludicrously expensive frock in which the winning fatty can get married once she drops enough flab and fits into it. If you have the stomach for it (pardon the pun) you can read all about this shame-festhere.

If you would prefer a really intelligent discussion of the politics of fat and eating and the socio-economic factors that influence eating choices and behaviours, take a look at Regina Austin's amazing, eye-opening article (hat tip: Feminist Law Profs, thankyou!) Super Size Me and the Conundrum of Race/Ethnicity, Gender, and Class for the Contemporary Law-Genre Documentary Filmmaker . You can find it here. Ms. Austin examines Morgan Spurlock's film Super Size Me and discusses whether or not Spurlock undertook to examine the Pelman v McDonald's lawsuit from a fair and inclusive position.

Here's a tasty, tempting chunk of Austin's argument:

Of course, the Pelman plaintiffs are black. The film notes only
their sizes, accompanied by a cute graphic of their ballooning
dimensions, and provides no other information that might be relevant
to understanding their obesity or the role McDonald’s played in their
lives. At the time the suit was brought, plaintiff Ashley Pelman was
fourteen years old, four feet ten inches tall, and 170 pounds. The
other plaintiff, Jazlyn Bradley, was nineteen years old, five feet six
inches tall, and 270 pounds.38 The plaintiffs ate their McDonald’s in
the Bronx.39 The population of the Bronx is 15% white, 31% African
American, 48% Hispanic, 3% Asian and 3% other. The Bronx has
the highest rate of obesity in the City of New York.40 Plaintiff Jazlyn
Bradley, one of ten children, resided in a dilapidated apartment that
had no kitchen sink (dishes were washed in the bathtub)41 before she
moved to a homeless shelter where she lived between the ages of
fifteen and eighteen.42 Given that there was no place to cook, Jazlyn
was given money with which to eat out; she chose McDonald’s
because it was cheap and close; she might eat there up to three times
a day....Super Size Me's homogenized
message, by skirting over significant details of the social and
economic context in which the plaintiffs became obese, is less truly
informative about fast food’s contribution to obesity in general than
it appears.

This article is utterly intelligent, sensitive and well thought out. Read it, digest it. It's soul food.

Banaz Mahmod

was 20 years old, of Kurdish descent, living in Britain with her family, in love with a man, murdered and stuffed in a suitcase, left lying under rubbish in a garden in Birmingham. She asked for help. She told the police that she was likely to be killed by her family. She escaped one murder attempt. How much more did she have to do? I am so angry. You can read the story here. Click the link and watch the video that Banaz' boyfriend shot, as Banaz lay in hospital after the first murder attempt. Police who were called to assist Banaz thought that she was "a drunk" and failed to take her complaint seriously. Banaz' sister had aleady been taken into the care of social services after suffering years of beatings and abuse. At 17, Banaz had been forced to marry a man who raped her. She attempted suicide. Her father and uncle said that she brought shame on her family. They decided to hire people to kill her.

Today's Times newspaper has the headline: Police 'Failed' Victim of Honour Killing. I can't be alone in thinking that the quotation marks are applied to the wrong word.


**UPDATE**

From The Telegraph Online:

The 20-year-old's father, Mahmod Mahmod, 54, was among the three men sentenced, and will have to serve a minimum term of 20 years.

His brother Ari, 51, will serve a minimum of 23 years.

A third killer Mohamad Hama, 30, was told he would spend at least 17 years in prison.

Banaz Mahmod was strangled because her family disapproved of her relationship with her boyfriend.

Hama and three other men who have left the country killed her during two hours of torture at her home.

She was raped and subjected to degrading sex acts before succumbing to an agonising death.

The murder was ordered by her Iraqi Kurd father and uncle after her affair with fellow Kurd Rahmat Sulemani, 29, was discovered.

It's not enough.

So, How've YOU been?

It's been a few weeks. While I have been malingering there's been some almighty radfem writing going on and you can get your fill over at the second Carnival of Radical Feminists currently hosted at Feminist Law Professors.

I am having a re-think about my Happy Monday! posts. I find that I am becoming tired of trawling through the crap to get at the golden nuggets of joyousness. I'm making myself feel despondent. In future, I shall post Happy Whenever! posts, when and if I spot something worth celebrating and sharing. I hope that these posts will be frequent. I suspect that they will be rare.

I'm going to keep my ramblings about my mental and physical health for posts on t'other blog. I worry that posting such updates and discussions here may be excluding and unsettling some readers. My personal journeys into depression and panic are not always suitable for this space and I think they are better moved to Sometimes Twitchy. Some of you already know the place, the rest of you are welcome to visit!

So that's my short update. Here's to regular radfem blogging and a radical, energised summer!

An Update, or "All About Me"

I'm getting better. I slumped for a while and felt crappy, but I'm picking up now. I re-arranged my living spaces, my work areas, my books and CDs. I threw out some crap. I listened to some great feminist music, (thanks you all!) and I feel better. Less harassed by my own self, if that makes any sense.

I made a decision to stop taking bullshit from strangers out of politeness. I volunteer in a charity shop and you wouldn't believe the racist, sexist hate comments that fly past my ears every time I am there. I realised that I was holding in my words, fearing that my responses might offend. It's not good for anyone to do that! So now I'm answering back. If I hear another comment about "immigrants" or "illegals" or any other racist name calling, I'm putting a stop to it, customer or not. I may get asked to pack up my duds and volunteer elsewhere, but hey ho! There you go. I'm prioritising.

I decided to stop shitting myself about money. If I need some, the universe will provide. I'm not hungry or cold or even uncomfortable. If I need money it's for something luxurious not necessary. I'm obsessing because I don't have a proper paying job and the obsession is running a huge part of my life. I will get there. I'm leaving the worry behind and moving on.

I'm reading again. I stopped reading, which was probably a sign of impending mental trauma but damn, I missed it again! There's ALWAYS a sign and I don't always catch it. But still, I'm adding it to my list of things to be aware of. I'll know next time! Anyway, I'm reading fanny Flagg's "Welcome to the World, Baby Girl!" and it's wonderful.

And I'm writing. I'm blogging today, I wrote a couple of short verse exercises yesterday and I started a yoga journal last week. My fingers and brain are re-connected. Things are looking up...

Yes, Vile.

I join Twisty and Anne Bartow and all other bloggers who are acknowledging the death of Du'a Khalil Aswad. We can not ignore this. If, for our own painful reasons, we can't bring ourselves to watch her murder, we can scream about it until our throats hurt.

Happy Tuesday!

Because I wasn't up to being happy yesterday, here's this week's joyfulness a day late. Sorry.

Get familiar with the lyrics of Nedra Johnson's song "Anyway You Need Her": go to Nedrajohnson.com and click on "music" at the top, the song appears in the list. Click it. Enjoy! (thanks Heart, it really made my day!)

Go to Sinister Girl and congratulate her on her Walk Against Rape! She did a fantastic job and raised 1400 dollars for San Francisco Woman Against Rape! I love her so much. Here's a quote: "It was a beautiful day in San Francisco and we felt strong and brave and amazing and we were inspired by all of the wonderful folks who walked with us."

You rock my world Ms. Jared! And, I suspect, the worlds of many others! Have an amazing and radical week, women!

One More for the "I Should Have SEEN it Coming" Category...

I got seduced in my supermarket, by low priced cereal. Nestle's "Fitnesse" to be specific. It was a pound a box and so, being a woman who likes a bargain, I bought several. Yes, with hindsight I can see that all the signs were there: it's a Nestle product, which kind of speaks for itself but in my defence I didn't register that fact until I got home; the name of the cereal: you see the feminized ending to the word? It's not just "Fitness", which I rather suspect they wouldn't be allowed to use, but FitnESSE, all delicate and pseudo-francais. It should have tipped me off. I'm ashamed as a Radfem that it didn't. So, having failed to recognise the warning signs, I broke into my first box this morning. And here's what I learned from my cereal box today as I read while I waited an inordinately long time for the kettle to boil, only to discover that I hadn't plugged it in:

1."Who's really going to know that you bought those take-me-now shoes a week before payday?" Who indeed?

2. "Who's really going to know that you didn't have one chocolate biscuit during the meeting, you had three?" Anyone else who happened to be in the meeting? Does it matter? I had more like twelve?

3. "Don't be a slave to the scales! What do they know about your shape?" Um. Okay?

4. "Try some alternative forms of exercise....take a dog for a walk - borrow your neighbour's if you don't have one!" No. That's just wrong. You need to be hyper-responsible where dogs are concerned. Dimwit.

5. "The Woman's Code of Honour: Always letting your best friend have first try of that last little black dress that's on sale... Never keeping secret addresses - such as the best hairdresser in town - to yourself...Always coming to the rescue in a man emergency with a glass of wine, DVD and box of tissues..." Oh, that's me alright. I'm never selfish when it comes to the LBD or who does my crew cut.

6."It's your life - live it your way. Three cheers for spontaneity, self-indulgence and self expression. It just feels so good!" Yes. Yes. Yes. And It does. But really, I think you may be patronising me now. Just a touch?

And finally, just when I was losing the will to go on, there was the instruction to "Eat Fab be Delicious". Which is trademarked. Yep. Trademarked.

So there you have it. Everything a woman needs to know from her cereal. Every stereotype going; cheeky little nuggets of "universal truths" humorously gathered together with some dynamic graphics and gorgeous photos of young, healthy vibrant women. All hinting at the great struggle that is femininity on "our terms". We CAN be gorgeous and have that last chocolate biscuit! We CAN wear take-me-now shoes and still have a job in an office! Wow! How empowerful are we?!

If you are looking for a cereal to help you either move your bowels or puke, look no further. Forget the contents, just read the back of the box.

And While I'm Here...

I'm Radfem. I don't do or agree with porn or prostitution. I don't publish comments that contain links to porn. I care for ALL women, even those with whom I have fundamental moral/ethical/political disagreement. I believe we can work it out without anger. I believe we should try.

Happy Monday!

Heart's fantastic idea has me just bursting with excitement! I'm hosting in November, month of my birthday, and I absolutely cannot wait to get involved. Yay Radfems! We fucking rock!

Because I love what she wrote and agree with all of it, and because it's just a beautiful read, I stole this from Heart's post:

"We define radical feminism as follows:

We believe that women are oppressed worldwide by patriarchy, the “rule of the fathers”.

We seek to abolish patriarchy.

We understand patriarchy to be a system of structures and institutions created by men in order to sustain and recreate male power and female subordination. The structures of patriarchy include, but are not limited to, the law, medicine, religion and the traditional family.

Women’s oppression is rooted in both the structures of our society and in capitalism and white supremacy. Patriarchy includes not only male rule but also heterosexual imperialism and sexism (Charlotte Bunch).

In order to abolish patriarchy, we must challenge its root components and causes which we locate in oppression of females by males.

We believe that the uprooting of sexism simultaneously inaugurates the uprooting of racism, class hatred, homophobia, lesbophobia, transphobia, ageism, ableism, competition, hierarchy, ecological disaster, and economic exploitation of all kinds.

The revolutions, so-called, which the world has known to date, have been coups-d’etat between men which have pruned certain branches but have left the root embedded for the sake of preserving male privilege over all women (Robin Morgan).

We are a journey of women becoming. We do not seek reconciliation with the fathers; rather, we affirm our original birth, our original source, movement, surge of living. We Re-member our Selves (Mary Daly).

We are woman-identified and woman-centered. We put women first, not only in our politics but in our personal lives.

The expression of our politics is concrete: we oppose pornography, prostitution, the institution of marriage and the traditional family, sadomasochism, compulsory heterosexuality, gender coercion, and dominance hierarchies of all kinds.

We endorse, support and work to envision and create peaceful, respectful, noncoercive, relationships, structures and institutions which affirm the importance of all human beings, all creatures, and the earth.

We affirm lesbianism and lesbian separatism as revolutionary paths for all women who choose them.

We understand gender as a structure and system of subordination, and as such, we seek its eradication.

We pursue and celebrate sisterhood."

Yes. We do. Have an amazing week, women!

UK Abortion Rights Threatened. Or Not. Depending On Who You Listen To...

From Feminist Wire Daily News:

"Experts say that a healthcare crisis is imminent in the United Kingdom due to a growing number of doctors who are declining to provide abortion services, particularly to low-income women. Many healthcare providers fear that if the availability of safe and legal abortion services continues to decline, women will begin to turn to alternative and less-safe methods of ending their pregnancies.

While the UK Department of Heath has acknowledged that the number of doctors who are willing to provide abortion services is declining, it will not categorize this trend as something that could hinder women's access to abortion."

Well what a surprise. As if the DoH could care less.

My own personal experience of abortion can be summed up in a short paragraph: GP refuses abortion on NHS but recommends private clinic where abortion may be purchased for approximately two hundred pounds (in 1992). Client arrives at said clinic to find that GP is on board of directors at clinic. Work out for yourselves how humiliated and used client felt.

For all of our country's pride in the NHS and "reasonable" abortion rights, we still have a loooooong way to go before we get safe, free abortion on demand. If our primary abortion providers are declining at this rapid rate, we need to start asking why. What's behind this change? How can we best combat it? How may we help our low-income sisters in times of need?

Happy Monday!

Yes, I know I'm late today. I went shopping with my mother. Delightful. Let's get this week off to a belting start with some news about feminist activist successes last week...

Don Imus lost his job!! Woohoo! If you missed it, Imus is a radio host and last week he made some crappy and offensive comments on air about the women of the Rutgers University basketball team. Feminists got moving and campaigned like billy-o for Imus' sacking. They won. I almost can't believe it. But I do.

Portugal legalised abortion! Fanfriggingtastic! Up to ten weeks gestation, so it's still very limited, but it's a start. Other conditions may include: women may be shown an ultrasound of the fetus, they may be informed about adoption alternatives, and be educated about the various consequences of an abortion. There is to be a three day "reflection" period between deciding to terminate and going ahead with the procedure.

Portugal's previous abortion law was one of the most restrictive in Europe, only allowing abortion in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy if the mother’s health was at risk and in cases of rape up to 16 weeks. CNN reports that the government hopes that this new law will prevent dangerous illegal abortions, which have killed and seriously injured over 10,000 Portuguese women each year. Well for goodness sakes, this news just made my week. Imagine how it feels to be a Portuguese woman today. Now spread that joy!

Oh. My. God.

I have been doing some digging around looking into this MRA idea. I keep seeing it. Keep bumping up against the pale opininons of these "activists" for men's rights. What do they want? What rights do they think they don't have? Well, my digging paid off big time when I hit on this site UK Men's Movement and finally got to understand what all this male angst is about.

I urge you to go there today. Read of the suffering. The pain. The centuries old struggle to maintain power over women. Read about how women live longer than men. Learn about the injustice of "women returners" courses at various colleges, where women who have taken time out of their careers to give birth and raise children are helped back into the workplace. Marvel that there is no equivalent course for men.

Be appalled at sexual harassment laws used "deliberately by women against men they wish to attack." Take umbrage with these men at the existence of "women only syndrome", where women get their own male-free hour at the swimming pool or library. Feel the rage that comes from knowing that there is, in the UK, a Minister for Women with no male equivalent. But above all that: think about, digest and understand the feelings of violation and degradation knowing that "circumcision on men is still allowed by law, while being a criminal offence on women." The horror.

Yes. Now I know all I needed to know. Men's Rights Activists are just not that bright. Go, read the whole thing. You'll get angry, you'll want to argue each and every point. You'll want to explain how and why these men are getting it wrong. You'll really want to explain the difference between circumcision and FGM. But after a while you'll settle down and wake up to the fact that you would be wasting your words. You'll slowly come to the knowledge that this is only a part of the overarching patriarchal society in which we radfems make our homes. You'll realise that this MRA crap isn't the new threat you thought it was, it's just the boisterous ramblings of a few angry men. We see and hear it every day in many forms. Get over it men, you're saying nothing new.

Happy Monday!!

Eventually. I got carried away with my chocolate eating marathon and almost forgot to post! Happy Easter to all of you, spring is here and it's wonderful. I'm feeling quite proud of myself this week, having overcome a major work-related hurdle, so in honour of my PhD research into women and work in Atlantic Canadian short stories, I am sending you to Women and the Sea for a look at how women have worked in the maritime industries through history. It's a good read.


And in a similar vein, because all of my research involves women writers, I'd like to send you all here: Women Writers: a website all about yes, you guessed it, women writers. It's good to see these resources blooming. Check out the section called "chicken soup for my feminist soul". Have a radical week!

Happy Monday!

It's Ms. Jared's birthday tomorrow! Don't forget to pop over and send her some love.

After my small breakdown yesterday regarding the way our world sexualises and demeans its young women, I needed an antidote. And I found one. Girls Speak Out is a website co-created by Andrea Johnston and Gloria Steinem and it rocks! Point your daughters, sisters, neices, granddaughters, annoying neighbourhood children at this site and let them loose! Their motto is "Don't deal with it, Change it!" That'll do for me...

And finally, (because I was there when she did this and I just found it on YouTube) Amy Ray performing live in Manchester...Have a fantastic week you women!

You Can't MAKE this shit up...

I'm getting this off my chest before I have to work on tomorrow's Happy Monday post. I can't be in that woman centred, positive, happy feminist space until I've spewed this all out...

I'll skip the tedious back story and cut straight to it. It has come to my attention that there are nightclubs for children!! I can't get my head round it? These under-18 nights are run in ordinary nightclubs, finishing at ten thirty, ready for the real crowd to arrive. These are nightclubs where parents can dump their pre-pubescent broods and leave them dancing and imbibing soft drinks in some under-18 approximation of that adult ritual of getting plastered and flirting with the opposite sex. (Same sex flirting clearly still not acceptable). Is this some sort of social training?

My friend's daughter proudly showed me her photos from the last junior club night in Bolton and I do not know how I stayed upright. The photos were of her and a group of girls (they're THIRTEEN YEARS OLD) all fake tanned, wearing pink bra tops and hot pants. I thought I was looking at women in bikinis. Wearing big fluffy boots, full make-up and body piercings. They look like adults. They look like very "sexy" adult women on the pull. And the boys? Well, surprise surprise they look like small, hairless men. They wear clean shirts and pants and smart shoes. They probably splash on a bit of Lynx (and yes, I know all about that appalling Lynx Mynxes campaign, I'll get to that another post) and have a shave of sorts, but they are fully clothed and not at all sexualised. There's absolutely no chance of any of the boys being mistaken for someone over 18. The girls on the other hand, could quite easily and disturbingly pass.

What is this about? How can I critique this behaviour without sounding like I'm woman bashing? I want to say it's all about training young girls to be sex objects. I want to say where are our girls going to end up? I want to cry for those girls who find self-worth in looking and behaving like this and I want to cry for those who don't fit in and won't buy into it and are bullied and humiliated. I want to make it clear that it is a PATRIARCHY to blame for this sexualising of our girls. I want to do SOMETHING. But I'm so disturbed by what I learned that I am having trouble sleeping.

F*ck Off, I'm Hairy Too

Did ya see it? Did ya see Shazia Mirza being all hairy and pro-active about the female body last night on BBC three? I did. I kind of liked the show, but I kind of didn't at the same time. I got excited when Mirza talked about the shame of her body hair, and looked into how much of it she had removed over the years since her teens. I was thrilled when she said that she was going to grow it all out. I was angry as buggery when an ELEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL had her legs waxed and the "beautician" did it, presumably took her money for it and when questioned said that girls are becoming more "aware" of their hair at a younger age, as if that was something to celebrate! Yes, hairy girl children are to be feared and reviled...

I got pissed off when Mirza discussed body hair with some journalist and she said that not shaving makes men think that women are either feminists or political activists, like either thing is distasteful! Eugh, feminism. Just nasty. I was astonished when Mirza went looking for naked women in art and found that women have always been depicted as hairless and smooth skinned. Why haven't I noticed this? Why have I assumed that this hairless, sanitised woman image is a recent, 20th century onwards cultural convention?

What became apparent was that Mirza really wanted to be hairy and feminine. What she really wanted to get at was why the two things are seemingly incompatible and that really spoiled it all for me. She met with a fashion designer who made "sexy" undies out of body hair. They arranged a fashion show with real (not models) hairy women wearing the undies. That just really bent my mind because I liked it. I liked these normal looking hairy women's bodies strutting up and down and enjoying themselves. And for fuck's sake I KNOW better than that! It's fake empowerment, it panders to the patriarchy. It's fucking frilly knickers for God's sake! But it worked. Just for that two minutes when all those women got up on stage in a great big hairy gang and looked up at the camera, raised a two finger salute and shouted "Fuck Off! I'm a Hairy Woman!" it really fucking worked. My spine tingled.

It was, on reflection, too much to expect that the show be about rejecting femininity and embracing feminism; this was BBC Three, not channel four. It was, in its own way, a programme about confounding the hairless expectations of femininity and defying cultural beauty norms. I suppose you could say it was a start...

Happy Monday!

I'm a bit late today, but here's some great stuff to have a look at and set you up for a positive week...

Love Your Body is a website brought to you from those amazing people at NOW. Love Your Body Day is October 17th this year, so you now have plenty of time to get your body-loving posts and events ready. Check out the sections for offensive and positive adverts. It makes interesting reading, but don't get me started on the positive ones that I don't think make the grade!

This video made me smile! I may spend an afternoon flashing the people of Salford in just this way. Enjoy!

Sudanese Women to be Stoned to Death

From Feminist Law Professors:

Two Sudanese women have been sentenced to death by stoning for adultery after a trial in which they had no lawyer and which used Arabic, not their first language, the rights group Amnesty International said.

Sadia Idriss Fadul was sentenced on February 13 and Amouna Abdallah Daldoum on March 6 and their sentences could be carried out at any time, the London-based group said in a statement released late on Monday.

North Sudan implements Islamic sharia law.

“The women had no lawyer during their trial and were not able to defend themselves, as their first languages are those of their ethnic groups,” Amnesty said.

Both women are from non-Arab tribes but the proceedings were in Arabic and no interpreter was provided, Amnesty said. Their trial took place in central Al Gezira state.


The male accused in Fadul’s case was let off because there was not enough evidence against him. Witnesses are usually required to gain a conviction and forensic tests are not normally used in such cases. …

I can't find any information on action to take on Amnesty's website. All I can find is this information from the Sudan Tribune:

RECOMMENDED ACTION: Please send appeals to arrive as quickly as possible, in Arabic, English or your own language:
expressing deep concern that Sadia Idriss Fadul and Amouna Abdallah Daldoum are at risk of being stoned to death;
expressing concern at reports that this sentence was imposed after a trial at which the women had no legal representation and no translation of the legal proceedings into their languages;
expressing concern that one of Sadia Idriss Fadul has one of her children with her in prison;
noting that Amnesty International opposes the death penalty unconditionally in any circumstances;
calling on the authorities not to carry out the death sentence imposed on Sadia Idriss Fadul and Amouna Abdallah Daldoum.

APPEALS TO:
Mr Ali Mohammed Ali al-Mardi
Minister of Justice
Ministry of Justice
PO Box 302
Khartoum
Fax: +249 183 770883
Salutation: Dear Minister

Staff Lieutenant General Abdel Rahman Sir Al Khatum
Governor of Gezira State
Sudan
Fax: + 249 183 770143
Salutation: Dear Governor

Act now.

Well, Duh...

Of Course abortion rates drop if you insist on parental notification for women under 16 years of age. How uninformed are you Angela Watkinson, MP for Upminster? Parents are then able to assume complete emotional and physical control over their pregnant daughters and compel them to birth a baby that they did not want. Which situation, you appear to think, is no bad thing. However, in the unfortunate and not that rare occasion that the parents and offspring endure a difficult and/or abusive relationship, this parental notification rule could prove disastrous.

Ms Watkinson: please do not assume that all young women have loving, gentle, open minded parents with whom they are able to communicate freely. Please do not assume that every young woman is safe in her own home and with her family. Please do not assume that all young woman can articulate their pain and emotional distress. Please do not assume that young women are never assaulted and made pregnant by their own fathers.

The bill applies also to the provision of contraception...of course this only has any impact on young women who choose to ask for the pill, since anyone can buy a pack of condoms on behalf of anyone else. I will be writing to Angela Watkinson, telling her what I think of this misogynistic bill. I will also be writing to my own MP, urging him to vote against this appalling, woman hating bit of proposed legislation. I hope you will do likewise.

My Porn Dilemma...

Don't panic. I haven't switched sides, suddenly enlightened as to the "truth" regarding some women's agency in sex acts for money; I haven't had that particular epiphany and I never shall. No, it's this: one of my friend's sons has been caught out looking at online porn. His worried mum told me all about it, then went on at length, explaining that it was only "tame" porn... nothing violent or unusual, and therefore her 14 year old son is normal. She told me that she had chatted to him about the possibility of him stumbling across such deviant activities as (horrors!) gay porn (the male kind, not the acceptable and normal fake female, male gaze sanctioned kind), BDSM and fetish stuff and violent porn. She cautioned him that once he has seen these images, he cannot wipe his eyes clean.

No. He can not. He can not wipe from his eyes the kind of humiliating and degrading images that he has already seen and his mother and father have normalised and contextualised for him. Now he thinks that porn is good. When I suggested that it might be good to question any kind of porn, I got the "normal, sexual development" argument.

I expect solidarity against pornstitution from my women friends and as a result I am often disappointed. I am, however, rarely stuck for words and don't often back away from a debate. When the subject arises I shall continue to argue with my friend against this normalisation of porn because I think our friendship is worth it. But now I am in danger of losing that friendship because I can't accept her argument that what all this amounts to is normal adolescent development. Well, yes it IS normal for teenage boys and the men that they become to objectify women. It IS normal for boys to think that women are sexually available meat. It IS (I hear) normal to decorate your son's bedroom with posters of nubile naked women in an attempt to help him formulate "safe" sexual fantasies. It just fucking shouldn't be.

And we can't seem to get beyond our respective positions on that. I don't have a son, and I don't know how I would behave if I was torn between my absolute conviction that porn is wrong and my desire to have a son that "fits in" with his peers. I think I do know what I would do. But I can't voice this and be credible because in any hypothetical situation it is always easy to stay behind moral conviction.

I just don't know how far I go with this. I suppose what I'm asking is: should I just shut up? Is this going to have to be one of those subjects that she and I agree to keep off limits?