Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Yesterday

I went back to church. I went for several reasons, one of which was the need to revisit the place of so many appalling and recurring nightmares. I had joined the Independent Methodists when I was a fresh-faced babe of about eight years old and I stayed through to my mid-teens. I left when I worked out that I was being scared into trying to feel emotions that I didn't understand. I left because I felt frightened. The fears and oppression that I felt there have followed me ever since, rearing up at unexpected moments, stopping me in my tracks, terrifying me. So anyway, yesterday I faced my demons and I devoured them; I am no longer in fear of that building or the people who worship within it.

It was, in truth, somewhat of an anti-climax. I had anticipated an internal battle, a panic attack, a purple breathless struggle for self-control. In fact I felt confident, tall and proud and grounded. I sniffed round the building, looking in rooms that had previously seemed large, dark and unwelcoming. I looked up at the impossibly high windows and saw just winter sunshine. No vengeful, homophobic God peering in at me. I read through some of the tracts that lay on the tables and I felt sorry that I had ever been trapped in such a miserable woman-loathing religion. I felt gloriously radical and feminist and human! And I slept like a baby last night.

4 comments:

spotted elephant said...

(applauds) Good for you! There's nothing like facing the demons to kill them off!

(does happy dance for Pippa)

FallingStar said...

Yay, well done! Demons are hard.

Hope you enjoyed the Indigo Girls :)

xxx

witchy-woo said...

*applause* here, too!

It may have turned out to be something of an anti-climax but it took courage to find that out. Well done you!

Pippa said...

Again, thanks. I love the support that I get from you women. It is a blessing...