I notice that this is my 100th post and I start to think about
what to blog, what to say to mark the occasion. It's not a huge number but it signifies something to me; something about confidence, having a voice, feeling real and big and unique.
I think about the number 100. I remember a time I spent every day listening very hard to a song called "100 years" by Five for Fighting. I remember that I listened to that song because I felt that it said something important about life and time, and that I had wanted to say these things to my nephew who had recently committed suicide. I think about how if I could have that child back, I would cocoon him. I would hold him tightly and make him feel fearless. I would save him.
I realise that I am wishing for something that is impossible. I accept that my love and my fierce grasp could absolutely not have saved him. I sit and listen and feel sad. I know that feeling sad is okay.