Two Years Ago

our family lost someone. He was suffering and we didn't know it. He took his own life in the morning of 16th August.

What suicide does to those left behind is indescribable. If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, ask for help. Grab someone, anyone, and tell them that you don't feel safe. Demand help.

In the US you can look here. In the UK you can look here.

Remember how much you are loved.

Funny Women

Who saw Dawn French on The BBC t'other night interviewing all those amazing female comics? It was a marvellous show called Girls Who Do Comedy ( and yes, the "girls" bit pissed me off). It lasted a scant thirty minutes but was so uplifting and wicked and juicy that it could have run for hours and still entranced me.

There were little snippets of life story from each woman, talking about how comedy informed her childhood, framed her existence, made her who she is. It was both hilarious and poignant. The comics included Phyllis Diller, Victoria Wood, Sandra Bernhard, Rita Rudner, Catherine Tate, Linda Smith, Gina Yashere and (the utterly superb and vastly underrated)Mo Gaffney. If it gets repeated, watch it. (And I just googled it and found that it is a )THREE PART SERIES!! Woohoo!)

I'm Quite Impressed

With THIS. I am a bit of an SVU fan; I adore Mariska Hargitay's character Olivia Benson. My daughter and I have loved the show since it started, probably because Olivia is so powerful, (and powerful women are so unusual in TV these days) and she gets to kick ass! As feminist role models for young women go, she's not too shabby.

I was even more impressed when I looked at her website Mariska.com and found the link to Joyful Heart Organisation. It's probably not for everyone; it doesn't come across as radical, but it feels SAFE.

I like it. I like the intention behind it. It's working for me at this moment and I intend to hang around there for a while.

I've Been Tagged!

Woohoo!! Spotted Elephant picked me. I NEVER get picked for anything, so thanks!

On the other hand, this is really HARD.

1. One book that changed your life?

I credit Alice Walker's The Color Purple with my finding feminism. At 16 years old I was at home with a new baby and no idea of where my life was going to go. I was really scared and not very well. I had PPD and didn't know it. Reading The Color Purple showed me new possibilities. It showed me how to be strong in the face of oppression and violence. I looked for other feminist books because I wanted more of the same thing. That book started me on a journey to where I am today and I am grateful for that. I met Alice Walker many years later, when she came to Manchester on a book tour. I queued to see her and when I got to the head of the line I felt faint and dizzy. I mumbled "Thankyou" and she smiled and said "yes". She took my breath away.

2. One book you have read more than once?

Well that has to be Anne of Green Gables. I read it and read it and read it. It is a cure for EVERY ill and misery that I have. Since I was old enough to read it I have longed to go to PEI. I made it in 1999 and again in 2001. Just to see where L M Montgomery lived was amazing. I even brave flying to get there! I have moved on to Montgomery's journals now and they fill me with love and sadness. She too had serious depression and anxiety, and I somehow knew this about her all along.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?

The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Garrard. I don't think its in print anymore. Its an account of Scott's doomed Terra Nova expedition as told by one of the team members. It is a dreadful, sad story and it would make me feel a bit better while I waited to be rescued. No island could be THAT bad!

4. One book that made you laugh?

Strange Heaven by Lynn Coady. I hooted at several points when I read this and it remains on of my favourites when I need a pick-me-up. Here's a bit:

"What Stinks?"
"Nothing Stinks Mumma." Albert, gentle.
"Is that Bridey C?"
"yes."
"Then she's what stinks."
Mumma, is that nice?"
Margaret P would look on in honest wonder. "I'm not saying it to be nice, Albert. Can't you smell it? Something needs to be done."

Genius.

5. One book that made you cry?

Gaining Ground by Joan Barfoot. The story of a woman who leaves her husband and children after realising that they are just not what she really wanted. Living with them is killing her and she uproots herself and goes away to a small cottage in the country. She learns to do without and becomes self-sufficient and content until one day her daughter comes looking for her, needing answers. It is just wonderful and I sob every time I read it. Don't let that put you off! read it and be inspired!

6. One book you wish had been written?

A Directory of Feminist and Women Friendly Businesses. I want a plumber that won't disparage me and a bank that lends money exclusively to women who need to start their own businesses and a doctor who doesn't judge and a mechanic with a vagina and a chocolate shop with free sweets for fat radical feminists. So there.

7. One book you wish had never been written?

Bridget sodding Jones' Diary. What a heap of shit. And all my non-feminist acquaintances and relatives think I'll LOVE IT!! "Because you like women's lib stuff right? Well this is great!" No. It isn't.

8. One book you are currently reading?

Woman Hollering Creek by Sandra Cisneros. Short story collection by one of my favourite writers. One of the stories is called "My Lucy Friend Who Smells Like Corn" How could anyone resist that? Get all of her books and read them. Yum.

9. One book you have been meaning to read?

Those Bones Are Not My Child by Toni Cade Bambara. This is a sad little tale but I'll share it. I bought this book two years ago to read when I was on holiday. The day after I arrived, my 18 year old nephew hanged himself, so I came home. I still can't bring myself to touch the book. I will one day. I hope.

10. Now tag five people!!

I tag:

Yawning Lion at Feh-Muh-Nist
Ms Jared at Sinister Girl (and Ms Jared's Mum!)
Pippi at Villa Villekulla
Alyx at Mad Sheila Musings

Mel gets a bit cross and says some unpleasant things...

Like other feminists, I'm really angry that he isn't begging for help, forgiveness and understanding from women as well as the Jewish community. After all, he did have a go at displaying his misogynistic tendencies. Bitch? Sugar Tits?! Is that the best he could come up with? I mean, I know he was (allegedly) ludicrously drunk and getting cross about being arrested for driving while (allegedly) intoxicated (yes, VERY clever) but really. If you are going to be a woman-hating dick head at least try and do it well. It seems almost cruel to berate him for such a feeble effort, but I will.

What a revolting, self-righteous, offensive, bigoted, cowardly specimen. Ooh! I enjoyed that.

Oh Dear.

That's the title of my new section in the sidebar. There you can find links to all things ludicrous, offensive, ill thought out, anti-woman, anti-choice or just plain sorry. I'll give it a trial and add to it as I find fodder. If it causes offence or seems just plain pointless then I'll remove it.

My theory is "know your enemy".

Streptocarpus!!

I grew these from cuttings. Aren't they fabulous! (If i do say so myself!)

Sufficient Scruples Has a Post

today about abortion and choice. Go there immediately and enjoy! It's brilliant.

(note: you should be looking for the post entitled "Fetuses: The Moral Equivalent of ...Everything")

I Have a Confession To Make

I bang on a bit about fitness, I know. I like my sport and I like to get sweaty and this week I decided that I would like to get myself a bike. But you know what? I absolutely could not bring myself to go to any bike shop and try them out. Because I'm fat. And after all my preaching about fat acceptance and loving myself and feeling unashamed of my size... I am a fraud.

I pictured the (in my mind they are always male) shop assistant telling me that they don't do bikes strong enough for my massive frame. I envisaged sitting on a bike only for it to crumple underneath me as though made of tinfoil. I became overwhelmed by the image of me thrashing about on my back like an upturned turtle, unable to get myself to my feet after crushing the bike. Why am I feeling like this? What has happened to me? How can I be so frightened and humiliated by something that hasn't even happened? I am so mad at my overactive, body fascist influenced imagination that all I can do is comfort eat and scowl at myself in the mirror.

I once had a nasty experience in a sports shop when I went to buy a swimming costume as a gift for one of my slender friends. I asked a (male) shop assistant if they had any swim suits and where they were. He looked at me and said, "we have them but they won't fit YOU." This was before my feminism had kicked in, so I withered inside but smiled at him and said, "Oh, I have one for me, this is for someone else", and bought the costume. I felt so crushed.

Perhaps that's where all this new stuff is coming from? Whatever. I intend to go and try out a bike this week if only to rid myself of these stupid, offensive, hurtful thoughts.

I Am So Hot

And not in the good way...It is 30 degrees c in my bedroom this morning.

Witchy pointed out that the ads on my blog point to cosmetic dentistry thanks to my last entry. The mind boggles. I apologise. let's see what happens if I type "free, safe, legal abortion". I hold my breath...

Man Mistakenly Identified As Moron...

You probably all read about that anti-choice doughnut Pete over at "March Together for Life" and his colossal error in mistaking a satirical article at The Onion for truth and then blogging about it? It was truly humbling to see such arsery expressed so boldly. Anyway, he got thousands of comments, cruelly pointing out his moronic status (they have been deleted now so don't bother) and suggesting he try harder. It was wonderful.

Then it got better. He tried to respond to the comments with a new post about how he had a) "turned the satire back onto The Onion" and b) made the original mistake because he meets women who think like this all the time and therefore was really not a clown of the first order. This again rightly elicited more comments of the "you buffoon" type. Pick one excuse or the other, surely Pete?

Now, bless him, Pete claims that "My article was a joke, which obviously thousands of you didn't get, all the while accusing me of being the stupidest person on the planet".

You see, what most of us missed is that Pete is actually cleverer than everyone else, not more stupid. I get it now. I feel so foolish...

My Dentist Does Botox

I had my checkup on Thursday. Amazingly, my teeth are fine. While I sat in the waiting room I read and re-read the posters that advertise teeth whitening (Can't afford it) and smile perfecting (don't want it) and Botox/Fillers for my face (not even dreaming about it!). I was stunned. The before and after shots on the posters were all of women (now there's a surprise). I was concerned and not a little offended.

During my appointment I asked my lovely dentist what was going on? She told me that fillers are VERY popular, they do many each week. (I stupidly failed to ask what constitutes "many", sorry.) In particular they get women who smoke wanting the lines around the mouth smoothed out. How can this be? I was under the impression that my dentist was a health care provider, not a beautician. I was already questioning the implications of wanting whiter teeth and a "perfect" smile, feeling that this was perhaps getting too close to body fascism for comfort. Now I am to be subjected to this anti-woman rhetoric every time I need a checkup.

My point (I think) is this: there should be some places where my body and face are just acceptable. No questions asked and no fingers pointed. I should be free to seek dental treatment without having to mentally engage with inappropriate questions about ageing and beauty. The waiting room has become just another place where women are attacked and judged because of their appearance; I am very disappointed.

Friday Morning

I feel so down today. Just thinking about Abir Hamzah, the war in Iraq, the bombings in Mumbai, Israeli action on Lebanon, kidnapped Israeli soldiers...it just goes on and on. I want to DO something more than I do now. But where to start?

Youth Work Training Evening Gets off to a Bad Start. Again.

After the male police officer had handcuffed his guinea pig, he pushed her head down and made stupid jokes about fucking and showed us how very easy it was to control the woman whose body he was using. He made jokes about dicks and length and truncheons and "tugging", he was suggestive and lewd and gross and I called him on it. I said, after some minutes where I was frightened of sounding stupid or reactionary or aggressive: "I will rip yours off if you mention dick again, there's only so much penis I can take in an evening". Then I went silent. Feeling a bit silly because people laughed and because it came out wrong and a bit "Carry on Matron", I wished I hadn't said anything. Later, I went to the guinea pig ( a feminist who I have respected and admired) and apologised for my outburst (I still often have a need to do this, but I will get over it); I explained that the copper and his omnipresent prick had triggered my rage. She patted my shoulder and told me that never mind, he's a great guy, always joking around, that's just his way. Amazingly, I felt better about the whole thing. If that's just his way then he needs to be challenged and belittled until it stops being his way. Its not fucking good enough to be always joking around, especially when that joking around looks like sexual assault.

What Not to Wear?

There is a mini debate starting to boil over in the letters section of the Independent (I know, I should stop buying it). The argument is about Muslim women who wear various forms of veil/covering dress.

There are those who are arguing against women wearing full or part burqa in Britain; they say it demeans women and oppresses them. They say that there is no place in this country for such control over women's dress and behaviour. I agree.

There are those who argue FOR the veil, jilbab, burqa etc. saying that the type of dress commands respect and makes women safer from some forms of abuse. That may well be true.

There are those that have said that the sight of a veiled woman is much less degrading to women and less offensive in general than the sight of a half-naked, drunken woman staggering the streets. This is just reactionary; I think that its too easy to put these two particular images in direct opposition, as if women are necessarily either one thing or the other, but that's another argument.

Here's what I think: I don't think it is freedom when women are routinely wearing lashings of make-up, starving themselves, shaving themselves, sticking on long false nails and pouring chemicals on their head. To me, it all amounts to much the same thing as purdah: women have to mask their real appearance before they go out in public. It is wrong to think that women in Britain have a free choice about how we dress; we might THINK that we are free to choose but we all know that we have been socially and culturally coerced into thinking about body and dress the way that we do. It's become just too easy to point to Muslim traditions and criticize, all the while feeling smug about alleged Western freedoms.

I wanted to go out to the shops today wearing my khaki shorts and a t-shirt. It took me over half an hour to decide whether or not it would be A) appropriate for a woman of my size and B) worth the harassment that goes along with it. I decided that the answer was yes in both cases. I am determined to make actual choices about my clothes. I am utterly sick of being told what to wear and how to wear it. I want to control my own appearance and identity. It's a lot to ask.

And then it just gets worse...

Heart at Women's Space/The Margins has this astonishing post about Iraqi women up today. I link to it but warn you, it will upset you. But you need to read it anyway.

Amy's Mix Came Today!!

Having taken part in the great Feminist Music Swap organised by the delectable Ms Jared at Sinister Girl, waiting for the post has become more exciting than I could imagine! So far I have had six mix CDs loaded with amazing feminist music. I have fabulous new music options! I am loving SleaterKinney, Azure Ray, Alix Olson, Dirty 3, The Donnas, Pink ( who would have thought!) Dar Williams, Vienna Teng, Judy Small and others... I am thinking of distilling all the best songs into one great big mixed mix version!

I bought the Dixie Chicks new CD too; I have an embarrasment of riches! Thanks you women!

Random Monday Thought on Being Fat

I played a couple of hours of football yesterday. I was knackered when I finished but I defy anyone not to be. On Friday evening I played several games of badminton; I'm not brilliant but I have excellent reflexes and am improving. I work up a sweat, I get up a good heart rate and I am very limber. I'm not unfit. I am, however, quite fat. I likes my chocolate! (Actually, joking aside, I have a compulsive eating disorder and have suffered with bulimia.) I don't want to be thinner; I love who I am. I have muscles and they are becoming more defined. I jiggle a bit when I run and I have stretch marks that prove my mettle. I am brave and strong and large and fat. I am absolutely gorgeous!

So, while I was nipping into my local shop yesterday to get a post-match cold drink, a young male passer-by shouted at me to "get on a diet". Here's my answer: "No. Now fuck off before I chase you down and kick your arse." And I can.

I'm Back!

I went away for a few days, so I haven't posted much. I shall be making up for lost time later today! I have also neglected to read anyone else's blog so I have loads to catch up on! I am looking forward to it!

New Feminism?

I am told that there's a conference tomorrow in London where the principal discussion will be "New Feminism". I am told that in the New Feminism women are encouraged to strip, be sexually available and even to pole dance, thereby liberating themselves from centuries of physical and sexual oppression. It is okay to wear make up, diet to the point of organ failure and have unimaginably large breast implants. It is fine to embrace traditional and cultural interpretations of femininity. It is okay to do these things because actually it all qualifies as reclamation. It turns out that women are empowered by being sexually objectified because they are CHOOSING to be objectified. They are celebrating their bodies and the sexual arousal that they provoke in men. These New Feminists are not being coerced therefore they must have agency in these situations!

Ahhhh.

And there I was, labouring under the illusion that this kind of thinking was 20th century Feminist - fearing, woman - loathing, lads' mag - type bullshit, engineered in order to fool women into staying thin, small and powerless.

This Old Feminist had been thinking that it might be great if women had complete control over their reproductive rights and could have abortion on demand, or could feel that their large or small, sagging or pointy -uppy, stretchmarked, blue-veined breasts were just fine thanks. Or could get equal pay for a good day's work and could walk home safely at any time of day or night. I thought it might be good if women could report rape without fear of being made to feel slutty or stupid or untruthful. It might be amazing and important if women didn't get raped at all. It would be nice if women's sports paid as well as men's and got the same tv coverage. It would be grand to get decent maternity rights and quite nice to see women over 7 stone on tv sometime. It might be wonderful if girl children were treated the same as boy children and not pushed into "gender appropriate" familial roles. It could be fabulous if hairy legged women were commonplace. It would be fantastic if Cunt was not a dirty word...

How did I get Feminism so wrong? Honestly, some days I feel so foolish.